thoughts on London, and happy new year

In London, steel and stone greys predominate. Before moving here, I had no idea that so much grey could still be beautiful. Yes it’s dreary and bleak sometimes but you learn to look past that. You learn to see below the clouds. Even with the lack of light, the structure of the city and the river can still make you fall in love. Every touristy detail, black cabs, red city buses and phone boxes, they’re the reason we came here and even in the grey light of everyhour, they remind us of the beauty of the city. Even when we can barely pay rent and we’re working long hours, or not working enough, and when we never see the sun because we work all day or work all night and sleep all day, we get to ride the bus across Westminster bridge every night and see the Thames and the London eye and no matter how difficult life gets in this place, we’re reminded that a difficult day here is still better than an easy one at home. Because here, we are in London. We are meeting so many people, making so many memories, and learning so many lessons that we would never have learned if we stayed at home, in our small towns. We would have turned into those people that never leave, that grow up and get married and never move, our roots so deep and twisted that we wouldn’t even realise that we could never see or experience anywhere new. And while having roots is not a bad thing there is something in us that longs for the freedom that the birds have, to fly on the shoulders of the wind from one place to the next and find our perfect place. I will never be a tree. London is an inexplicable place, an atmosphere of humanity shared through consistent ignorance of each other in a way that is oddly endearing even if it makes you lonely sometimes. It is an anthill, and when you finally get brave enough to navigate yourself above ground, you find yourself in a city that is beautifully alive.

And I’m terrified, sometimes, when I walk through the centre, not because I am afraid of my surroundings but because I see the homeless people sleeping in their corners and I think of how easily it could be me having to sleep in a doorway one night, how it wouldn’t take much bad luck, or many bad choices, how tenuous life is for those of us in my situation. We young expats, orphan children away from home, coming for adventure and staying because adventures cost money but so does surviving so the real adventure is just continuing to get by in the city. Our fortunes can change so quickly and our lives are so entangled with each other that it’s one big beautiful mess spread across the city, our triumphs and our failures and our loves and our hates. We are a family, even those of us that have never met. Our circles are small but they interconnect and we are united by uncertainty in this big difficult world. Every person that has become a part of my messy life has their own messy life to deal with and sometimes the mess they’re dealing with is mine because maybe they helped make it or maybe they’re just a good friend. We share our anxieties and even if we don’t we are still in each other’s lives sharing this experience called London. We are a transient generation and it shows in our choices, so many of us leaving home and finding a new one wherever we go, and those of us that are lucky enough, finding home within ourselves.

London is home now, better or worse, but if home is where the heart is then those of us who travel have a thousand homes because we leave our heart in every place we visit. Home is on the cliffs overlooking the English Channel and it’s Piccadilly in the heart of London and it’s a little town in west Germany.

London is grey and beautiful. But London in the sunshine, rare as it is (though less rare than you think), is dazzling. I have rarely been more in love with a place than I am with London on a beautiful day. As difficult as it sometimes is here, and as much as I struggle with stress and anxiety, even the odd panic attack, I thank God that I was brave enough to come here and live this strange new life.

I’ve been in London for over a year now and 2015 was my only year fully spent in London. 2014 was partial and 2016 will be as well. I’ve had ups and downs and plenty of plateaus, but despite bad decisions and mistakes and heartache and homesickness and poverty, this time is precious and I would do it again. 2016 has been off to a rocky start but I’m looking up and moving through it and I still love life, as messy and stressful as it is. I’m still here, I’m still successful, and I’m not alone. So thanks all of you. I love you. And here’s to the year ahead.