Alone vs Lonely

Being lonely sucks.
It sucks a lot.
Now I'm perfectly capable of being alone, comfortable with my own company. I can spend a day with a book, and a guidemap, and my notebook quite happily. But you can only do so much of that before alone turns to lonesome.
You don't even really realise it's happening sometimes. You just think okay it's time for a change and you book yourself a hostel for a couple days instead of finding the next couchsurfing host. And then you get to the hostel and you realise that as badly as you want to make friends you can't physically do it right now because in the last weeks you have become so used to being inside your own head that even though you are tired of it, making yourself have conversations that do not come naturally is even worse.

Forcing yourself through social situations that, while perfectly pleasant, do not feel natural because there's no easy connection, no spark, between you and the other people is tiring.

I say hello to people, I smile, I try to be friendly and open and approachable. I'm trying. But if the other person doesn't also try, then that's pretty much the end of it. I put in the effort that I feel mentally comfortable with putting in, because sometimes being friendly is freaking exhausting.

It's a double edged sword here that I'm dealing with. On the one hand, I am so so lonely. On the other hand, trying to talk to people often leaves me feeling just as bad. So what do I do.

I'll put in my effort, but I won't force it. I love being social, but I need it to feel natural. Sure, yes, step out of your comfort zone more Robin! Be brave and do things that are uncomfortable for you!
But you can't always be doing that! And I'm actually doing it a lot! Like, all the time! And it's great and it's growth and it's learning but it's also A LOT. And sometimes I get overwhelmed.

I need to get out of my comfort zone more. I need to do more things that scare me a little bit. I know this. That's why I'm here. Alone. But in between all of that, I also need to take care of myself. And right now I'm not really sure if that means staying in bed and crying a little bit or going outside and trying to make friends with strangers.
I genuinely don't know.

I'm sure tomorrow probably I'll make some friends and have a really good day and it'll almost be like this day never happened. I always feel too intensely over things that were never gonna be that big of a deal. But the thing is, it's still real. It's real while you're feeling it, and even later when you're not.

This experience is always gonna be a part of me, and probably a recurring one. My social energy will always fluctuate. It will always depend on the people I am surrounded by. It's just how I am.
And to be honest, it's frustrating. Because even in the midst of my most introverted, don't-wanna-talk-to-anybody moments, I feel I am missing out. Missing out on all that meeting new people has to offer. On adventures that I might never have solo but might have if I made friends with the right person. On meeting incredible, interesting, beautiful people. Some of the dearest friends of my life are people I've met while travelling. What if I am missing out on more friendships like those?

But a very important thing I've learned I think, is that you can't force those friendships. Those are the ones that will come to you naturally, when both of you are ready for them. And trying and waiting is hard and it's taxing and it sucks. And if anybody has tips for mental/emotional self care while on the road solo, do please share. But until then I guess I'll just have to learn to deal with it.

Everything in life is a trade off after all. In order to live a dream, you have to make some sort of sacrifice. I am living a dream of mine. Here is my sacrifice.